Nick Offerman's Airing of Grievances for Festivus 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

10. "Slightly husky" is not considered more sexy.

9. My wife abjectly refuses to take up woodworking.

8. Steve Jobs hasn't come out with a device for smoking meats yet. Hickory or Apple wood apps!

7. No one has given me the opportunity to deliver Osama Bin Laden my patented Face Punch.

6. Isn't looking good for 'Sex and the City 3.'

5. Despite listing it as my height on my driver's license when I was 16, I have yet to clear 6 feet tall. I'm JUST shy. By 1 inch. And 3/8.

4. Despite my luxuriant body hair, Playgirl magazine has not contacted me regarding a hunky photo spread (see #10).

3. I had a slow year in total bacon consumption. A mere 23 1/4 lbs.

2. Starting to think I'll never be cast as a Hobbit.

1. My mustache was signed by CAA, while I remain at a smaller boutique agency.


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